My next car

My next car will hopefully be new, because I will drive the one I have in all of its 1997 beige glory for about 5 more years until they produce...

(drum roll please)... the hybrid convertible!!! I really want a convertible, and I want it to be a hybrid because I love the planet.

Five years from now will be 2013. I will be 28 years old and hopefully own a home and have paid off all my loans. I will be semi-grown-up.

What has been happening in my life? I hurt my back but I feel better. I'm going to start working out again on Monday because I am FAT!! And because I miss working out... I feel kinda lackadaisical.

I had an interesting thought two days ago and then talked to Ellen about it. See, I know myself pretty well, and I realized that I am not the kind of person that would ever care about spiritual things. It's not "me." I'm not into churchy stuff, or rules, or thinking about anybody other than myself. I'm self-centered, prideful, and snobby. I'm generally not a very nice person.

So why then do I care? Why do I pray and read and journal and sing praises and go to church when I'm by myself? It's so God. I'm not like my brother; I'm really not a religious person. I wouldn't care what God thinks; I remember back when I didn't. I remember that rebellion and hard-heartedness and conscience-ignoring that was my inner spirit when I was 14. When God changes somebody, he does so from the inside. And so more and more, over the past nine years, that inside change is (hopefully) showing up on the outside.

It's so cliche, but it really is being born again. Being changed beyond recognition. Being so different that when I look back on my natural tendencies, I can't even believe he's brought me so far. And the funny thing is that it moves so slowly, I sometimes think this is who I naturally am, and that leads to more pride, when in reality it's such a reason for gratefulness!

I really am happy...

...but it's just hard sometimes when the tables are turned. 

anyway, enough self-pity.  i love my friends and i have them nearer than ever (at least geographically, if not otherwise) in the past eight months. and that's a blessing unlike any other.

i'm 23; i have a great apartment with an even greater roommate. i'm in a new place with plenty to discover, with my home just 30 minutes down the road, and with most of my best friends very close by as well. i miss those that are gone (Austin, Boston, India!!) like crazy though. sucks. weird too that my high school friends are all gone (except Ellen, of course). but i've made new friends, even recently.  eventually i should meet people around here, rather than just in Chapel Hill, though.  that'll probably have to be through church.

even better though-- this is where i'm supposed to be. i'm taking it a day at a time, because eternity meets me here, in this moment. i'm anxious to see what's next. i wish i could say "eager" or "excited," but it feels more like anxiety. that's not godly or God-honoring, i know. i wish i could automatically put into action what i know i want to be/do. kinda like paul... "that which i want to do, i don't do... but what i hate, i do! what is this contradiction in myself!" not to mention that this whole figuring-out-who-i-am is a bitch.

all that to say, i'm overtired from a very social but very fun weekend, and i'm feelings sulky and overdramatic and i'm going to bed way early tonight and tomorrow i'm going to work out b/c i need some freaking endorphins.

oh, and i'm old.  my mom was my age (+8 months) when she got married.  her mom had been married for 6 years when she was my age.  not to say i wish i were married (i don't-- first things first-- get a boyfriend), but it just makes me feel a wee aged.

kelly dalton (sweetheart that she is!) got me the sara bareilles cd for my birthday. "love on the rocks" is a jam. just a little fyi. (haha- just read that iTunes Store agrees with me... "Perhaps the best and most original track is the ultra-peppy (think "Benny and the Jets") "Love on the Rocks...") i also like "vegas" and "morningside" and "city."  it's a great cd.  thanks, kelly!! (although "between the lines" hits a little too close to the chest...)

tomorrow is tuesday. ICK!!!!