Come find me!

So now I'm going to post at janelblanchard.com. Find me there. I'll try to format it at some point but I'm not good at that.

Love!
Janel

Lotions, Emotions, and Ruminotions. ("Ruminations" does not really rhyme.)

A few weeks ago, I bought some lotion that was on sale at Victoria's Secret. (No, I didn't need it. It was on sale and smelled nice. I will use up all my lotion eventually, I promise.) Tonight while washing my face I noticed its name. "Confident Body Lotion."

Now, either the body lotion is confident, or it is supposed to make me confident, cf. my new Jergens Firming Body Lotion. (No, I didn't need it, but I was hoping it would do more for my dry skin plus help me prep my body for the upcoming summer months-- hello, 70 degree weather next week! Also, it was on sale and came with two travel size lotions.)

Back to my point about confidence-infusing body lotion. Does it smell like Confidence, thereby inspiring me to be confident? Or does it smell just Generally Good, thereby convincing me that I am worthy of self-confidence?

It doesn't matter, although I think it must be that it smells like Confidence (which incidentally is defined as "mandarin orange") since I also bought Energize Body Lotion, also on sale. Side note-- Please name your products consistently. You can't name one lotion "Confidence" and then the other "Energize." It needs to be "Energy," to keep them as nouns. Leave verbs out of this.

Wow, enough tangents. I apologize. My thought process is as follows:
1. If smelling like mandarin oranges gives me confidence, how easy is it to lose? Or why do I need a lotion to make me confident? It doesn't add any substance. Whatever I am confident about due to the lotion will be a part of me whether or not I smell like mandarin oranges. (Why have I never seen a valencia orange-fragranced lotion? What's so special about mandarin oranges?)
2. If I, or others, buy lotions based on my/our needs (confidence, energy, relaxation, etc), what else do we buy or buy into in order to quiet our anxieties over what we lack? Where am I looking to complete me?
3. If all purchases are made for needs or luxuries, then what we don't need we want. Why do I want new clothes? The latest iPod? A sweet ride/designer perfume/a boyfriend/a job/friends? Now, that might be a little harsh (some would say they "need" a job and friends), but I want to take this to the logical conclusion. What do I think I lack?

I suppose if I look at my wants (which I wrote about in my last post, actually), it looks like what I want most is purpose and significance. I want to matter... to matter to the public (job, a championship, NASCAR, success in some arena), to a man, to myself. Isn't that what we all want?

So what is my mattering, my purpose, my significance? I think dwelling on my wants rather than the reason for my wants has caused me most of my uneasiness over this life stage. I hate being idle, but I hate it because I want instant gratification through recognition of my value in a workplace. If I can't even be unemployed for a little while when it's common, socially acceptable and I have so many fun things to do, how am I going to be content to stay behind the scenes and raise my children? If I don't conquer this now, I could become one of those mothers who live vicariously through their kids' successes and failures, holding them to impossibly high standards and putting my own desires for recognition and validation above their need to grow up, make mistakes, and follow their unique passions.

Weird... I thought this blog was going to take the course of "we buy iPods to feel cool; we buy designer labels to look successful; we buy lotion/perfumes/makeup to make us feel attractive when really it's what's behind that that makes us attractive or not." I guess I'm so self-obsessed and narcissistic (my blog, facebook, & twitter all are evidence to this point) that I can't even write a philosophical entry about the tendencies of the consumeristic American culture to use things to fill their empty hearts. It always has to be about me, I suppose.

Now, I'm off to address the reason behind my many wants and uneasiness... and then I'm going to bed. I also want to apologize for the profuse sprinkling of parentheses in this entry. I'm not usually so grotesquely liberal with them and I don't want to abuse your patience.

Jealousy

I hope that by naming these things to the world, they will have less power over me.

"Things of which I am jealous"
aka "If you have these things, I'm jealous of you"

steady jobs
comfy apartments
championship rings (especially Super Bowl)
designer perfumes
size 0
husbands
fiances
boyfriends
famous acquaintances/friends
pretty/fat babies
artistic talent
musical talent
dramatic talent
really impressive athletic talent
convertibles
hybrid luxury cars
spot on NASCAR circuit
patience
purpose
the ability to eat noodles, bread, bagels, cookies, brownies, cake, twizzlers, soy sauce, pizza, etc without repercussions
international savvy
multilinguality (I know that's not a word)
private jets
odd but super-cool fashion sense
the ability to buy cheap-and-comfy sexy shoes
law degree
doctoral degree
various other advanced degrees

Square One

You're in control/Is there anywhere you want to go?
The future's for discovering/The space in which we're travelling

Too bad it seems as if I am just discovering tread-upon ground. I'm retreading the "sphere in which [I've] been brought up." (Maybe if I'm wise, I won't quit it, eh, Lady Catherine?)

I spent all day, with the help of my good friend, Jeremy, packing up the remnants of my life on Medalist Drive and delivering it to my family's home in Chapel Hill. I have mixed feelings, not because I dread living here, or I think I will feel like I'm 18 again; rather, I always feel somewhat anxious when the future is unclear. I haven't had to deal with that feeling very often in my short life, despite all the moves. At least I have always had my family there, and that constant is not in the least unappreciated. But not only have I moved back in with my parents like myriad other recent college graduates, but I also have no idea how long I will be here or how long I will be unemployed. I want to hold out for something amazing, but I may have to settle for something to pay the bills. God knows what I need to do and how I need to spend my time, and what will prepare me for the calling he has on my life.

I'm ready for another adventure. Should I go off to Turkey with Mom's friends? Should I apply for jobs in another city? Which? I can pick any city... the hard part is actually getting hired.

As I wait to answer my questions, or better yet, to have my questions answered, I will take it a day at a time. I am closer to Tiffany&Joe, Becca, Kristine, and Katie, and now I'm within walking distance of Trader Joe's and Whole Foods! (Again.) My furniture is in the same exact layout as when I left at 18, but I believe I'm a little wiser and more appreciative and less self-centered. (Yes, it is possible that I was more self-centered than I am now! Shocker, I know.)

Who said you can't go home again?

I just did.

A Conversation, or 3+4=7 (DCB reference), or the Diary of Life

me: ok so you want to know what just happened

nick: i just clicked on your box to type you something...
and then you already said something else

me: ok you tell me first then

i'm sure you thought of it first, but i was too quick for you so i beat you to it
[redacted because it's not very nice]
nick: hold on, that does sound interesting

me: shut up

so i sold my couch today
nick: congratulations

[redacted because it's not interesting or funny]

me: yeah i suppose

ok so now it's my turn to tell you my story

nick: hit me.

me: so i had been a little jumpy when my phone went off in the past 5 minutes

but then my speaker started making noise like my phone was going to ring

and i noticed, and then my phone rang, and my heart skipped like 3 beats and i said out loud "freaking a"

and nobody's here

but I HAD NOTICED and i still jumped

nick: ...that was possibly the most confusing story.

me: really?

nick: so your phone didnt ring, but then it did? and then you jumped?

what
me: it did ring

no this is what happened

my mom texted me, and i jumped a lil

nick: why

is your phone scary?

me: b/c i'm jumpy! and then she texted me AGAIN, and before it came through and the sound was made and it vibrated, the speaker started being fuzzy

and i thought to myself "i bet my phone will ring"

and then it DID ring

and i jumped a LOT and shouted "Freaking AAAA!"

and no, my phone is not scary

nick: hahaha

you need to journal that story. if anything from your life is worth passing down through generations, its that story.

me: ok i'll put it in my blog

nick: hah good

me: actually i'll just put this whole conversation in

oh crap, i cant

the [redacted because it's not very nice] should not be preserved

dang it nick, you screwed everything up

nick: hahah well just edit that part out

me: it wont make sense then

bc the first thing you say is that you were going to say something, and then i will edit
out everything you said
[redacted because it's not interesting]

nick: i was actually be facetious

factitious?
me: no you were right

nick: i was being snide.

me: facetious

what?!? you?!?

nick: snarky is probably my favorite adjective

or snarkily as an adverb

if i was on a spelling bee team, we'd be called the snarks

me: yeah i could see that

haha

only a spelling team?

can i be on the snarks?

i'm a grade-A speller

one time my cousin and i were going to be in a talent show and she said "what can you do?" and the only thing i could think of was "i can spell!"

nick: well what other team would appreciate the snarks?

haha

me: it's true

nick: thats awesome

me: yeah, she didn't think so

nick: that is entry 2 to your diary of life

me: she was like cmon janel there must be something you can do... and i was like, nope.

nick: how old were you

me: um, 14

nick: this wasnt in college?

oh wow, i was thinking like 8

well you could have always fought in a battle of wits

thats talent show quality

put on a suit of armor and verbally berate some 14 year olds

me: that is brilliant. i would wax the floor with the spittle from their braces-filled mouths

nick: haha spittle


Nick, I can't thank you enough for the constant inspiration you are to me. For example, the above snippet of conversation.

To my faithful readers: If you were disappointed by the lack of substance to this post, please lodge your complaints with the administrator at administrator@gmail.com. If you thought this glimpse into the everyday occurances in the life of the author was worthwhile and insightful, please feel free to leave complimentary comments.

Myself When I Am Real

A brand new year that is full of... potential. What an ugly word.

I used to think "potential" was hopeful but now it's more scary than anything else. I find myself praying that I will be able to go a whole calendar year without a dear friend dying suddenly and tragically. (If I were feeling optimistic, I'd be thinking it's already been 10 months since the last death, so only two to go!)

I don't think I'm a negative person in general. I turn to pessimism as a defense mechanism when I care about something, like when I was in middle school and would insist we (Carolina) were going to lose a game so that if we lost, I could at least say, "I knew it." So silly. But I don't want to get my hopes up. As my ex so foolishly but unforgettably said, if you don't have any expectations, you can't be disappointed.

This is not a happy way to start off the year, but it's what I'm thinking. I'm afraid. I fear not finding a new job; I fear moving out of my apartment (logistically and regarding what it means for my comfort/selfish lifestyle); I fear being alone or having to move to a new place later in the year. This last fear surprises me, since generally I'm up for adventure and new scenery. I think I've adjusted enough to life-after-college that I have a good balance with my friends and I'm okay with being in North Carolina because it still offers new things and people and when I need to get out, I can.

I don't want to be afraid. I'm generally brave and strong. But I'm learning that I can't know what will happen, I can't control it, tragedies happen, and "life is full of such trials, as our sister Mary reminds us daily," as the incomparable Elizabeth Bennet says in P&P.

A (not) profound bumper sticker I saw today declared, "life is good." I was surprised that tacky Christian marketing companies haven't yet commandeered that logo and inserted "God" rather than "life" in the vein of "Got Jesus?"-type ad campaigns. After all, life is good only sometimes, and thankfully, God isn't just good once in a while. He's always, always good, even when it doesn't look like it. And the ability to trust that that's true is called faith.

I think I see myself and my life more clearly than I have in the past, and although that's small progress and, unfortunately, often results in disappointment in myself rather than increased faith in God, I can live more honestly and openly and can be vulnerable, waiting for the conquering strength of the Spirit to finish the work He's begun.



Bebo Norman, whose earlier cd title I stole for this post, has a new song that encapsulates my current soul location...


laying flat upon my back, all the world in motion
everything goes by so fast, i feel like i'm frozen
after all is said and done, did i fail to mention
everything i haven't done, all my good intentions?

have no fear of height or depth, have no fear of crashing
the single thing i fear the most, simply feeling nothing

this is my holy hour; this is my world on fire
this is my desperate play; this is where i am made
this is my kingdom come; this is my freedom song
this is my helpless state; this is where i am saved

let my ruins become the ground you build upon
let my ruins become the stars
let my ruins become the ground you build upon
from what's left of my broken heart...

I am sorry, but I have a good excuse.

So oftentimes, when I go on a fun trip or have a lot going on at once, I don't get a chance to journal. The night after said period, I have so much to write and think and pray about that my arm gets tired and I quit temporarily. Hopefully that won't happen now, as I try to update this neglected blog.

Life is crazy. This is a theme being enforced every day. I went to NYC on December 3 for some meetings. I cleaned out my desk before I left, having heard the rumors of the impending layoff. My mom and I had a splendid time with my cousin Brendan, his new bride Liz nee Persing, Liz's parents, and their friends Maddie, Joel, and Rachael. We ate dinner, drank wine and got all rosy, and chatted about everything, including SNL skits and Haitians.

The next morning I woke up to a voicemail from my ex-manager saying the typical, "company is moving in another direction and the changes directly affect you so please come to my office at 8am on Monday." Great way to start a big day of meetings.

At 11:30am, I met with a high ranking official in IMG, a sports/entertainment group. It went well enough; he didn't have any jobs available but said he'd let me know if he did hear of anything.

At 2pm, I met with the president of CBS Sports and CBS News (who also happens to be an ex-boyfriend of my mother). Sidenote: I got these meetings because my parents have an influential friend. Again that went well; I would say better than the IMG meeting because he knew Mom and they chatted for 30 minutes about their old friends, not having seen one another in 32 years.

At 5pm, I met with two senior vice presidents at ESPN. This meeting was fantastic. They brainstormed about who they could arrange for me to meet with at ESPN Americas, ESPN Deportes, and ESPN The Magazine. We talked for an hour and 15 minutes about Plaxico Burress, the new Yankees Stadium, the 08 Final Four, and of course what I want to do with my life.

The next day, Mom, Liz, and I had fun in Times Square, 30 Rock, Anthropologie, and at "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway, and we left on Saturday afternoonish.

So, everybody has been asking me, "What now? What are you going to do with yourself?" Henceforth, I may simply direct them to this blog to avoid having to verbally admit the fact that I haven't the faintest. I don't know what kind of job to look for; I don't know where to look for a job; I don't know how long it will take or with what I should busy myself in the meantime.

I'm off to Costa Rica on Tuesday through Sunday. I am looking forward to it tremendously, and when I get back, I will only have a few days until Christmas. After Christmas, I will begin my job search in earnest.

Right now I wish I were in a relationship. I would have more clarity about where I wanted to live... but on the other hand, I'd be more restricted. (Maybe not: I still hesitate to leave my family, surprisingly.) I would have somebody to physically go through this with, to support me spiritually, and to offer advice and input. Maybe if we were far enough along in our relationship, we could get married. It's cheaper for two people to live together and share finances than for one to live alone. Also, I wouldn't have to move home with my parents.

Not that that's the end of the world. Jean, Ellen, and I are all about to start living with the rents again. I am not alone in this situation. I can't count on being able to afford rent, plus I can't commit to a lease. So living at home is ideal, except for the fact that I have furniture and STUFF that will have a hard time fitting back into that house.

This is the most boring post I've written in a long time, and for that, I apologize. So, to compensate, I've added some photos. These are not exclusive; I have uploaded them to facebook, but it will spice up this post.

My Yesterday

Doesn't that title sound like an emo 90s rock song?

Anyway, my Monday was very uninteresting compared to my weekend -- I went to the State Fair on Sunday after my DC trip, which was complete with visits to Adams Morgan & the Smithsonian, two must-sees which should always go hand-in-hand -- but a monumental event occurred.

I left work at 4pm because I started feeling shitty. As I took a left onto the street unto which my apartment complex abuts, I was waved to a stop -- in the middle of my lane -- by a cop whose car (and that of his partner) was parked in the median. What?! I'm obviously still going slow enough that he could walk in front of me and get me to stop. He asks if I know the speed limit; I said 35 (I had been going MAYBE 33 at that point), and he asks for my license. He said it's a school zone and the flashing lights earlier on the street should have informed me the limit was 25. (Again-- MAYBE 33.) He then proceeded to direct me to make a u-turn, go back to the traffic light, make another u-turn, and tell him if I see any flashing lights this time.

Talk about a power trip. As I drove along my prescribed route of punishment, I wondered if it were a trick. Maybe he was going to get me for driving without a license since he was running mine through the system at that moment.

Nothing came up on my license of course, and he gave me a warning. I was going home because I was sick and had barely been driving up to the limit anyway.

Funny how I can speed around DC or Chapel Hill for the last seven years going 10-12 mph over the limit and never get caught, but then I slowly trudge home from work when I'm feeling sickly and I get waved down by a power tripping cop ON FOOT. Wtf.

So I came home and went to sleep at 6pm. I woke up to wash my face at 11:30, but besides that, I slept soundly til 6am.

The Odds of Peanut Butter M&Ms

Yesterday, something phenomenal happened.

Nina and I go to CVS every day almost to have a short 15 minute break from CP craziness. On this most recent trip, I bought a small pack of peanut butter M&Ms. (You know, the ones in the red/orange bag.) I ate them at my computer, and when I neared the end, I poured the remaining candies into my hand. Lo and behold-- there were six M&Ms left-- one of each color.

Now, if you are good at math, please correct me here if I am wrong. I believe the odds of that happening are 1 in 720.

Some may call this luck. Some may call it chance. Some may call it happenstance. Some may call it destiny (to what point, I ask?). I choose "luck," because I don't consider myself lucky and I don't believe in luck. So why not call it that? I don't win anything in random drawings, but maybe that's because I always win in competitions. (Just kidding; I wish!) Two point five years ago I won 2 tickets to see Live8 in London. (Concert tickets, not plane + concert tickets-- I was already there.)

1 in 720 is not impossible (obviously), and is better than a lot of lottery odds. But I just thought it was kinda cool. One red, one orange, one yellow, one green, one blue, and one brown. It was a very aesthetically, mathematically, and taste-ily satisfying event.

To be... or to be more?

Maybe eventually I'll get to the age when I don't have this constant, pulling urge to go Where I'm Not. Everywhere where I currently "am not" sounds amazing. Occasionally I'll have a day or night where I feel perfectly at ease, comfortable with who I'm becoming, happy with where I am, content with the thought of not knowing what's around the bend. But more often, I am wondering what it would be like to lead another life.

This perpetual grass-is-always-greener phenomenon gets old after a while, and presents to others a sort of problematic instability.

A homeowner today said if she were me, she'd "go [live in Europe] in a heartbeat." I would have said the same thing to anybody who was in my position, but I can't just go in a heartbeat. I have student loans; I owe my parents money; I need money to live. I would need a job before I moved to Europe.

I don't want to constantly be changing with the seasons, but I think I'm addicted to change. I haven't stayed in one place for a full year since 2000, and I've liked that. There's no real need to settle down now, and I want to take advantage of my youth and energy. I so enjoy being close to my best friends and my family... But will I look back in ten years and wish I had done something crazy and rash and just been an adventurous twentysomething?

Probably. After all, the grass is always greener. And if I throw caution to the wind and end up financially insecure, I'll probably regret the "stability" I could have reached.

Funny, that. The economy is so awful at the moment that even stability is only an illusion.

JD was talking about freedom on Sunday, and how serving Christ is freedom even though there are restrictions. Freedom is not lack of constraints; freedom is living as we were meant to, within our constraints, like a fish being "free" to live in the constraints of water. If the fish were to escape to freedom on land, it would die. We all serve something, whether it's the Lord or a fear. JD said to ask ourselves to think about the future and find out what would scare us the most if it were absent in our future. My DC friends that came to visit this weekend said the idea of a relationship came to mind; for me, it was financial stability. A telling answer, no?

I pretend that I trust God with my finances, but how much risk have I ever put myself under? None, to be honest. I am not supposed to be foolish, but I am supposed to be brave. Where is the Wizard of Oz when you need him anyway? I could go for some knowledge of my decisions, courage to make those decisions, heart to love blindly and blissfully each step of the way, and a home to bring with me, to make me feel comforted no matter where I go.

Worshipping at the Altar of the Fun God, or What Would Neferheehee Do?

As I was driving home one night, the car in front of me had a 'vanity' plate that said "LV4FUN." That is a worldview statement, whether the person driving the car realized it or not.

We all are seeking what we think will make us happiest. And not just immediate gratification-- we all plan our individual pursuits of happiness. When we're young, we don't understand the concept of delayed gratification very well. We search for the next piece of candy or the next toy, with no plan as to how to approach that desire and then fulfill it. When we're older, we sacrifice a third of our lives for weeks and months and years to make money to fulfill our desires. It's the same pursuit as the child seeking a lollipop-- gratification-- but we understand the cost of reaching that goal. Hedonism is our life.

Now, what if we come to realize that the greatest, highest good, the "summum bonum," isn't sex or money or power or even fun (!!!), but instead is fulfilling our purpose and enjoying the most wonderful, beautiful experience in the universe? That's what is meant by Christian hedonism. Discovering that Jesus Christ is the consummation of every desire of our hearts and that the "delay" of gratification may be longer than a lifetime will explain the change in lifestyle. It's not that Christians are better people... it's that they have discovered what truly will satisfy and what is Truth.

To multiply your enjoyment of a beautiful sunset or a breathtaking mountain view, you want to share it with somebody. It's not nearly as good to go to an art museum or to a fun movie or to anything you enjoy by yourself. It's the sharing of joy that magnifies and multiplies it and propels us to spread the gospel. The gospel is that everything awful will one day be made beautiful; that Jesus has brought the answers our hearts' desire; that there's more to our lives than this often-ugly mortality.

There will be another life, another earth, and another body. We weren't made to be bodyless spirits; we were made to be a trinity of flesh, spirit, and soul. When Christ comes back, redeems the earth, and reigns here as King, we will again be that trinity. We'll have tangible bodies again that will look like us now, but 10000x better.

With that in mind, the Christian can live with a "finish line" just beyond the moment of death. Most people go through their lives trying to survive and trying to enjoy what they have until death inevitably ends their fruitless, pointless struggling. But we know the truth-- that there is a purpose, that there is a meaning, that there is a loving God who hasn't yet put everything right (He cares more about justice than any of us do!) but who one day will do just that-- He will be the perfectly just Judge who determines how things are to be, just as they were at the beginning, and now even better.

"Behold, I make all things new," said (and will say) Jesus.

So, now I can live not for immediate fun (although I still want to experience God's love and beauty and humor and community in fun activities, appreciating the blessings he has given me), but for getting to know Him better. He is the summum bonum, the highest good, the most fun thing in (and outside of) our ever-expanding universe.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you." I want to get to know God like you'd get to know a new crush. Like you'd get to know your parents when you're finally old enough to appreciate them as humans. Like you'd get to know a generous mentor who has determined to treat you like a daughter and help you with whatever you need. But even better-- this is the Creator of the universe that created me and wants me to get to know him and love him as he has loved me since the beginning of time.

That is huge.

This Dream Was NOT a Wish My Heart Made

Last night I woke up at 3:45am and thought that what I had been dreaming would be a wonderful premise for a movie or short story. So, I jotted down a few notes. When I got up this morning, this is what I could decipher of my sleepy handwriting:

Has anyone seen my m&ms?
Your daughter has them
But how she's not considerate; she's not like me
She's not your daughter
Psh- but I was pregnant and I remember her as a kid
No...

I'm not lying. That's what I wrote/remember.

Moral of the story: Janel is NOT very smart when asleep.

For the Love of Lists and Comfort

Lists give me the illusion of control. If I can see everything I have to do in one place, I feel like it's manageable.

So, to continue my illusion of control and for your reading pleasure, a few lists...

books that I own and need to read:
the audacity of hope (one chapter to go)
united states of europe (1/3 finished)
something rising
a reason for God
putin's russia
surprised by hope (1/3 finished)
the Jesus i never knew
faithful women & their extraordinary God
discipline, the glad surrender
walk on: U2's journey of faith
perpetua
the papa prayer (1/3 finished)
Jesus among other gods
a christian manifesto
oliver twist
i know why the caged bird sings
silas marner
the mill on the floss

favorite things about fall:
football season!!!!
it's almost basketball season
less humidity/beautiful weather
school supplies (unfortunately I can't enjoy this again until grad school or until my first child goes to kindergarten which may be a few years)
camping or kayaking or biking trips
end of wedding season

things i feel i need to control but that in reality i have no control over:
finances & employment
life plan: husband, kids
health & safety (i work out and wear my seatbelt-- i do my part but really that promises me nothing)

things i do have control over:
how often i pray relationally
my contentment with my circumstances
my attachment to this world
how i treat my family and friends
how i spend my time and money
how i see my God

Do I see God as a divine vending machine or a person to fall in love with? How do you fall in love with somebody? You get to know them. You don't ask them for things, see how much they give you, and then, based on that, decide how you will love them.

When Jason died, (I've said this before) I realized that I always thought God was good because my life was good. Since then, in the pain and heartbreak, I've gotten to know Him better. He is good whether or not my life is good. I know He's good because of what He's done in the past. He never changes, but my life will change. My comfortable years may be over; maybe before I turn 24, I'll have such tragedy and pain that I will have experienced all the 'good' I'm to see on this earth.

But that's all right, because there comes a brighter day, a day when He will finish making all things new. A new earth, a new king, a new life for all of us who believe Him and are trying to see Him as He is.

The hardest thing that I foresee about the future is responsibility for others. Right now, if I don't have control, it's not that bad because it'd only be I that suffers. But the greatest fear of marriage, for me, is loss. I've already lost one that I loved and I could lose another. The risk of loss makes loving a dangerous choice. And then, my greatest fear of being a mother is losing my child. Every day is a day I could lose my child. I have no control on their survival in utero, or while at home, or at school, or when they are grown. I don't ever want to go through what the Rays experienced.

I thank God for Jesus Christ, whose life and death and resurrection promise to me that this life is passing away, and a new and brighter dawn is on the horizon. He is the bright and morning star, in whose light everything else fades away.

"turn your eyes upon Jesus/look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/in the light of his glory and grace"

Perhaps the first step in surrendering control is realizing who really is in control, and that all my feeble and pathetic efforts to direct my situation is simply "chasing after the wind."

But I still like lists.

Is this Cheating?

I wrote the following as a guest blogger for a friend back in early April. I'm feeling lazy (and may be getting sick) so I'm just going to copy and paste it.

Love,
Janel


I'm an A-type, firstborn female, and sometimes I overreact. I've always had a tend to dress up my bad situations with a little dramatic flair. Throughout my few years of life, I have started to realize I shouldn't react quite so violently... things could always get worse.

When I was four years old, I was in acrobatics class. The only thing I remember from this portion of my pre-elementary days is standing in line to do a somersault. I pushed the other little kids as we stood in line at acrobatics class; my mom told me if I continued to push them, even when provoked (which I was, sorely!), I couldn't go to acrobatics anymore. Needless to say, they shoved me and I pushed them back.

My mother kept her word and delivered the punishment for breaking the ultimatum: my days as a four-year old prodigy acrobatic star were done. Irrevocably. I responded in turn: "This is the worst day of my life!"

This was a very true statement. I had lived less than 1,500 days. In those 1,500 days, the only similarly negative event had been the birth of Shaun, the younger rival for my parents' attention. And being expelled from acrobatics was MUCH worse than getting a new playmate slash competition in the form of a brother.

In the following years, there have been successive "worst days." High school breakups, Carolina's 8-20 basketball season, a horribly painful college breakup, 2 friends' deaths... all rank way above seeing the last day of my acrobatics career, and each in turn were the "worst day of my life."

Today I got back from San Antonio after seeing my beloved Tar Heels collapse under the pressure of the Final Four and just hand the win to Kansas. It felt like a "worst day." But after Jason's death only a year ago and Eve's death just a month ago, I'm able to see a little bit more clearly why this wasn't the worst day of my life (so far).

The Heels will take the court again. They'll lose again. I will feel dead inside for a short period; Roy will tear up again; the team may embarrass themselves again. But we'll cut down other nets; Adam Lucas will write an article that pretty much sums up the whole Tar Heel Nation's ecstasy; Carolina will be #1 again. And to think-- I got to go to the Final Four! I stayed in the team hotel, met Alex Stepheson's father, ate lunch across from Mr Hansbrough, and rode the elevator with Coach Williams's wife.

The ending of "Spamalot" features the whole company singing, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." During the first rendition of the song, Patsy and King Arthur are lost in a dark and very expensive forest. After my few years of experience and watching my basketball team lose miserably and inexplicably, I agree with their summation of things: "Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it/Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true/You'll see it's all a show-- keep 'em laughing as you go/Just remember that the last laugh is on you."

So... that is my charge to you. It may sound negative, but try to remember-- it could always be worse! (... And beginning to pay more attention to those around you and less attention to yourself is a great way to help put things in perspective. And for better or worse, nothing helps you forget your own pain than busying yourself helping somebody else...)

That Most Elusive of Simple Pleasures

No, I'm not going to talk about sex (don't know much about that anyway) or a new episode of The Office or the best piece of chocolate, or even seeing a really good live show in intimate venue where you know all the songs and then you get to chat with the band and buy a new t-shirt. I'm referring to sleep.

It seems like the times you need it most, you can't get it. When I get a good sleep, I may still be tired the next day. Other times, I barely sleep 6 hrs and I'm fine. WHY?!?

Last night I went to bed at about 11 and didn't set my alarm. I figured I'd wake up around 6:30am like on a usual work day. But my body clock is so well tuned that it knows when I have a weekend. So I didn't even wake up until the sound of bass thumping below me at 10:30am filtered through my earplugs. Wonderful! But now I'm awake after midnight for the first time in like three weeks. Kinda ridiculous how "grown-up" I am now. I go to bed early and get up early. Absurd.

This is so boring and pointless; I'm sorry for writing this and clogging the Internet. A few months ago, I read that the Internet will be completely stuffed full by 2012. Maybe it was earlier, like 2010. Idk. Needless to say, our governments need to invest in some infrastructure to keep this baby ticking. Or get rid of all the porn that's taking up like 80% of the space, not to mention destroying our families and the idea of the sacredness of sex. What a waste.

If you're not planning on voting for Barack Obama in the fall, please read "The Audacity of Hope." I only have two chapters left. I wish people would listen to his own words in their context rather than listening to the media (those who hate him and those who worship him) or the ridiculously untrue emails and rumors circulated about him (http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/fightthesmearshome/). I have not been given one convincing reason not to vote for him, and in my reading of the news, his speeches, and his writings, I haven't found anything compelling that would justify me backing John McCain for president.

This is bad. Obviously, I need to go to sleep if I'm starting to write about politics. But I'm really not that tired. I will be when my alarm goes off at 7:00 am though.

Tuesday morning, my family is going to Alaska on a 10day cruise and then to northern California to see my cousin Brendan get married. Yay, I can't wait! But work will be absolutely insane when I get back. That's okay, I guess. I like being busy.

If Life is Always Spent Preparing, What Does That Mean About Death?

Okay, so maybe that title is a wee melodramatic. Maybe that's because I'M pretty melodramatic.

I was just contemplating how in every stage of life, I look ahead. What does this job mean for my resume? If I sign this lease, what am I committing myself to?

I know there are times of preparation. Almost everyone goes through 13 years of schooling and a lucky few of us get to study for longer. You pay your dues in internships and cubicles, earning next to nothing (and literally nothing, in some cases). Moses spent 40 years in the wilderness. Jacob ran away from home and worked for his father-in-law for 14 years.

So I think the time of preparation varies based on person and circumstance, but I'm impatient, and I do not want to prepare for 40 years before I get into "really living."

When Summit was at the old building, I remember JD talking about 'times in the wilderness,' like Moses's or Daniel's. Those are the times that life is quiet and rather dull and we are learning to "be faithful in the little things."

But maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe even the times in the wilderness are part of "really living." Just because it ain't exciting doesn't mean it ain't good. (That's a big statement for me-- I hate being bored, or even just being quiet.)

So as I try to plan my weekend and see if there's anything I can do to fill up the empty hours, I need to remember my best memories from childhood are playing on the stairs with Shaun, building with the lincoln logs and setting up the plastic dinosaurs or playing Monopoly every day for weeks, watching "Muppet Treasure Island" over and over again ("the feast of saint lulu!" "Sweetums! Big fat baby eating O'Brien!"), and lying on the carpet reading "A Little Princess" and "The Secret Garden." The simple things, the 'boring' times, the mundanity and banality of life. Growing up will never be finished, I daresay.

If I stop thinking about how I should be preparing, I bet the preparation will just happen, and whenever something monumental comes along, I'll be ready. I won't even believe how it happened-- just so smoothly, as if Someone planned it-- but I'll be able to do whatever it is that comes along. Because, right now, I don't even know what I should be preparing for! Should I prepare to be a wife or prepare to live as an old maid? Should I prepare for a professional career or for raising four children? Should I prepare to live abroad or settle down in my home state, where I've already lived for almost 20 of my 23.5 years?

So, obviously, God's going to call the shots today that will make me into who I'm supposed to be tomorrow. I think that idea goes along with the whole "don't worry about tomorrow" bit; that if I just sit back and relax, work on the Spiritual Disciplines and grow in contentment, peace, and security in my identity and my God, then everything will fall into place.

Matthew 6:33...Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. -- the Living Translation. First pursue God and everything closest to his heart, and then all your other concerns will resolve themselves -- my paraphrase.

Basically, I need to stop worrying about what I'm doing with my life. To know God is the greatest thing.

Dreams, Time Seams, and Adult Sports Teams

Last night, I dreamed that one of my homeowners' kitchen ceiling was going to cave in due to an attic HVAC leak that I didn't catch. I'm working out again; maybe that will help me de-stress. I'm also reading "Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety." So if those two things don't help, I'm pretty much screwed.

I went to bed late because I went to Chapel Hill to say goodbye to Rob. (Goodbye, Rob; have a good life!) It was fun, but I'm okay with my friends leaving. Amy is in DC, Deb is in Montana, Rob is in Colorado, Chad's in the mountains, Lauren's in India and then Concord, Erik and Nick are almost gone, Kate's in Boston. There are periods to life. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven," Ecclesiastes 3:1. The writer expands, and then goes on an interesting rant.

"I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. (What does that even mean?) He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil--this is the gift of God...
"Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

I think he's saying that we have time, and we have action, and when we choose to do our actions has a lot to do with our judgement. God will judge the time in which we honor him. If that makes sense.

Right now, I have more time than I used to have. I'm not studying for anything; I'm getting paychecks for my 45 hrs/week at work; I'm paying off my loans and living comfortably. (Bad news on that front: $900 of dental work is coming up...)

But I can use the rest of my time. If I sleep no more than nine hours a night on weekends, I will have more free time. I'm going to try to volunteer with MATCH, get back into our small group, and play lacrosse again! I'm really excited for that. It'll be expensive to get started... I think I'm going to buy a new stick, and I need goggles, insurance, a mouth guard, and team t-shirts. But it'll be worth it. After I quit UNC Club, I thought I'd never play again. It won't be the same as high school, and that's fine with me. But it'll be a team sport, one I really enjoy, and it'll be exercise that is not in our blah apartment gym.

Cynicism, Rebellion, and Why UNC Really Is the Southern Part of Heaven

That is quite a blog title to live up to. So here goes.

The people who are closest to me often ask how I am doing, and I know they mean more than the usual, casual inquiry.  There is something to their tone, or their punctuation (via the internet), or their look, that signifies a deeper questioning.  I've been pretty open with my struggles lately... with anger at my God and frustration with my spiritual funk, my impatience and heartache and just plain old-fashioned pain.  It started with Jason's death (not the breakup) and has been complicated with my emotional roller coaster (over the breakup + his death) and my job switching and then Eve's death. A year and three months later, I'm sick of feeling like this.

Yesterday, Mom said I seem subdued. I am. I'm 'sweetly broken;' I'm tired of the rebellion and the cynicism. I'm tired of giving God the silent treatment/cold shoulder; tired of looking at him as if he's out to get me or as if there is just one tragedy after another waiting for me. I'm rebellious in nature, but always a rather half-hearted rebel. I forget to be mad at my friends and family, and I get tired of rebelling against my good, kind God. The writer of Lamentations in chapter three talks about how he's been pushed around and hurt... he says God "has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light." Talk about pointing fingers. He knows who to blame, just like I do. (Nichole's words on it... "Funny how the fog rolls/funnier that I'd know who to blame/never thought I'd have to own this pain... If all that's good and true/comes from heaven/then what's a girl to do/when it rains?")

Chapter three goes on and on, the writer blaming God for his pain... "he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help. He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver."  Pretty violent, eh?

But then there's a transition.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"

Some translations end the verse, "I will hope in him."  Funny how they go together... like the Spanish verb esperar means to wait and to hope. Waiting and hoping go hand-in-hand. We don't sit and wait on God despondently.  But that's what I've been doing. I've been somewhat obedient... going where he wants, not giving up on the fellowship of the saints or my faith in general. But as far as specifics go, I've been pretty despairing.

And it's really easy for me to slip into cynicism.  That's why, as a kid, I would try to convince myself that UNC would lose whatever game we were playing, so that if we did lose, I would be 'protected' from disappointment.  That's what Jason used to try to pound into me-- that if I had no expectations, I would never be disappointed. (He didn't want me to expect anything of him.)

So, my circumstances were messy, and I rebelled. I was angry and sullen. And then my rebellion started to turn into a bitterness, and that bitterness has shown up in cynicism. I question God's goodness and his love towards me. I don't feel his love so I decide he doesn't love me after all. Isn't he in control of everything?! I believe that. But that doesn't mean he enjoys hurting me, just like parents don't enjoy their kids' intense unhappiness at getting immunizations.

The chapter goes on to say, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Jesus put it well. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (That's John 16:33.)

That's enough for now. Suffice it to say, my understanding of God is a heckuva lot greater than it was fifteen months ago.  I'll write about UNC being like heaven later.

This is Rather Pathetic

So, no post because I've been busy.  It's a busyness of the self-inflicted kind.  And I haven't thought of much to write.  Actually, that's not true... I've thought of some things but I haven't taken the time to expound.

I had to tell Janell Wright I couldn't hang out with her tonight because I'm getting sick.  I had my first migraine on Thursday (due to some Wednesday events, I think), travelled to Florida that evening, spent a rather stressful long weekend with relatives, went to a beautiful wedding and reception for Emily and Perry, and then back to a busy week at work. (Wow, I just wrote 'school' instead of 'work.' Ironic.)

I'm watching "Ice Age 2" and I think a baby mammoth is pretty much the cutest animated thing I've ever seen.

I'm looking forward to my new project-- getting some of my friends who've been through a one or a couple crazy years to write about this time of transition.  We're twentysomethings; we're privileged, educated, intelligent, and motivated but hard to please. I want us all to look at where we are at this moment, in this in-betweeny stage, and take stock. We spend so much time reflecting on the past and learning from our experiences, which is good-- don't get me wrong.  But I want to do more than look behind, and I want to do more than look ahead at what's next.  That's probably even more tempting: to always be dwelling on the future and never appreciating the Now.

CS Lewis said that's where eternity meets us-- in the present.  We are impotent to change the past and we are wasting what Time we have by anticipating what's next. So, I want us all to look at our Now. Where are we, and why?  What are we headed towards and are we doing what we need to do to get there?

I feel like I'm in a pathetic state at the moment only because I'm sick, overtired, and haven't been able to work out since Sunday. My last free night was May 2 and I won't have another until June 7, most likely. I'm not doing a good job of balancing my life, but I just hate being bored. And life is crazy and things have happened and are happening which stress me out.

But... I'm excited for this project.  I'm excited to see what everyone has to say.

If I haven't talked to you about it yet (I'm trying to talk to everybody individually) and you'd be willing to write me something, please let me know.

...One Year Later...

A serendipitous discovery this afternoon-- I started my blog one year ago today. Obviously, I haven't written very often in said year, but I think I can see a distinct evolution over the 366 (leap year!) days since April 23, 2007. I'm also getting more regular in my public self-discovery.

Writing a blog this year has been a way to compose my thoughts and questions, to formalize some part of what I journal every few days. (I have 14 journals to date, which hopefully no one other than myself will ever read.) Growing up is such a monumental pain in the ass that maybe documenting it will be somewhat enlightening/entertaining/educational.

I'm still trying to figure myself out, as well as whatever this "adult" life is about. I have started two new jobs in two new cities with two new roommates, one rather white-collar and one rather blue-collar (the jobs, not the roommates). I do feel more daily joy than I did 12 months ago and I think about Jason every hour or so rather than every 10 minutes. But I've lost another dear friend and dealing with death is a more common occupation than I had ever imagined it would be at this age. My customers think of me as a kid... Probably because I still look like one. And this uniform get-up doesn't help much either.

I went to Jason's grave in Kentucky last weekend with Tiffany, Becca, and his parents. It was a strange combination of frustrating and satisfying. Satisfying because I finally got to see where he went at least twice a year with his parents, and where his parents grew up, and where he stayed over Christmases when we'd talk on the phone. I now understand a lot that I didn't. Frustrating because I went to a beautiful cemetery on top of a green hill with a blue sky & puffy clouds above in the charming countryside and farmland of Kentucky... and Jason wasn't there. I'm glad his body is there; when Jesus comes to establish his rule on this earth, that's the first thing Jason will see when he's resurrected... unless he comes in the clouds with Jesus, and I'm not 100% sure what it will really look like. But anyway. I think he'd be glad to be buried there. There are all these stones at the cemetery that say, "If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd go right up to heaven and bring you back again." I wouldn't. I'd stay there with him. If I died and somebody came up and said, "I'm taking you back to earth, let's go." I'd say, "Piss off. I'm having a great time right here; thanks. Ain't no way I want to go back there, you kidding me?"

I do like that they have "Decoration" on Memorial Day weekend. The families of the people buried there all come with picnics and decorate all the gravestones of their loved ones and their long-gone family. It's a Southern dia de los muertos... the remnant of the small-town Americana community. Mrs Ray said that if anybody has family left, their grave is decorated. I think that's awesome.

Enough about that. For now.

Happy birthday (yesterday), Tiffany ~ Hi, Jeremy ~ Welcome, little Levi Daniel ~ I miss you, Lauren ~ Can't wait to see you, Amy

Over and out.