Monday, April 23, 2007

Where am I right now

i don't know what i'm doing. tomorrow, i may; however, a month ago today, my life changed forever and so far i have not regained that blissful feeling of confidence, of peace, of 'all is right with the world.'

because all is most certainly not right with the world; because there is evil... because Jason was hit by a car on March 23rd and because 32 people were slaughtered on April 16th. and also a little bit because i have to graduate even if i don't want to... no, i do want to graduate. i don't want to grow up. i know that's not really comparable but it just goes to show that life isn't what i want it to be... but when is it ever? why expect anything when things are never what you expect?

what do you do when life has lost its color? does it come back? i feel like it does, but i don't know... i've never been on this side of the equation before. i know things won't ever be 'the same' again (that happens all the time), but i will feel similarly happy again, right? there is so much to be excited about... graduation, moving, a job, a car, friends, Tiffany's wedding, trips, summer... for some reason, i don't care all that much. not like i used to.

time heals everything, right? that's what they say, anyway. whoever they are. i don't understand death... i don't realize that it means forever, that it's irreversible.

or is it? in this life, yes. but this life isn't all there is. that hope will keep me from the temptation to despair that JD talked about at church yesterday. the spiritual is more real taht

i have lost a friend, the person who changed my life more than any other, who most shaped who i am today. but i've also lost my innocence... and it was blissful. i'll miss that as well as Jason Ray.

i could talk about Jason for hours. i'll leave that for another day.

life is coming, rescue is coming...

"and there's nothing wrong with me
it's just that i believe things could get better
and there's nothing wrong with love
i think it's just enough to believe

don't give up now/a break in the clouds
we could be found/rescue is coming"
-david crowder band