Tuesday, May 1, 2007

if i had the chance/to go back again/take a different road/bear a lighter load/tell an easy story

i would walk away/with my yesterdays/and i would not trade what is broken/for beauty only...

and how would i know the morning/if i knew not midnight?
You're my horizon/You're the light of a new dawn
so thank You, thank You/that after a long night
You are sunrise

there's a moment when/faith caves in
there's a time when every soul is certain/God is gone
but every shadow/is evidence of sun
and every tomorrow/holds out hope for us, for every one of us
-nichole nordeman 'sunrise'

Questions in my head at the moment:

1. should i put all my eggs in this TransPerfect/DC basket?
2. what will it be like to have a 'real' job? can i do it/get used to it/be happy doing it?
3. when will i feel normal again?
4. what is being graduated like?
5. should i try really hard on my exams when i don't have to?

Funny how things used to seem so black and white... but the older I get, the more I realize the extent of gra/eyness in our lives, in our world.

When I was a kid, I used to lie around the house and read Nancy Drew or Jane Austen or Frances Hodgsen Burnett, then go outside and jump in leaf piles or over our stream in the "woods," then play monopoly or dinosaurs with Shaun.

Things were black and white then. I was either bad and got a spanking/made an apology phone call (ha), or I was good and had an uneventful day and slept like a log at night.

Now, so much is gra/ey. Relationships especially, but also good/bad and what I should and shouldn't do. How should my relationship with my parents be? What should my priorities be? How can I feel out the will of God when I can barely even talk to him right now?

And I agree with Nichole Nordeman... why do Christians always feel like they have to say, "I was in a really hard time and God got me out of it," instead of, "Hey, I'm really struggling here; I know God will come through for me... but he hasn't yet." Why do we only talk about our hard times AFTER we're okay again? Why don't we have the faith that God will come through our darkness just like he always has?

I believe he will. I'll see him again.

My problems aren't the biggest he's ever faced.

to every son and daughter/wayward and long gone...

i tried to throw You off track/a needle in a haystack
and i don't know how You found me/why You let me come back

and it's a long way home/when all you're left to carry
is a heart of stone/and the weight of most the world

and i'd like to lay it down a little/or lay it down a lot
i don't want to hold it anymore
lay it down in pieces/or lay it down in whole
everything i've carried on my own
-nichole nordeman 'lay it down'