For the Love of Lists and Comfort

Lists give me the illusion of control. If I can see everything I have to do in one place, I feel like it's manageable.

So, to continue my illusion of control and for your reading pleasure, a few lists...

books that I own and need to read:
the audacity of hope (one chapter to go)
united states of europe (1/3 finished)
something rising
a reason for God
putin's russia
surprised by hope (1/3 finished)
the Jesus i never knew
faithful women & their extraordinary God
discipline, the glad surrender
walk on: U2's journey of faith
perpetua
the papa prayer (1/3 finished)
Jesus among other gods
a christian manifesto
oliver twist
i know why the caged bird sings
silas marner
the mill on the floss

favorite things about fall:
football season!!!!
it's almost basketball season
less humidity/beautiful weather
school supplies (unfortunately I can't enjoy this again until grad school or until my first child goes to kindergarten which may be a few years)
camping or kayaking or biking trips
end of wedding season

things i feel i need to control but that in reality i have no control over:
finances & employment
life plan: husband, kids
health & safety (i work out and wear my seatbelt-- i do my part but really that promises me nothing)

things i do have control over:
how often i pray relationally
my contentment with my circumstances
my attachment to this world
how i treat my family and friends
how i spend my time and money
how i see my God

Do I see God as a divine vending machine or a person to fall in love with? How do you fall in love with somebody? You get to know them. You don't ask them for things, see how much they give you, and then, based on that, decide how you will love them.

When Jason died, (I've said this before) I realized that I always thought God was good because my life was good. Since then, in the pain and heartbreak, I've gotten to know Him better. He is good whether or not my life is good. I know He's good because of what He's done in the past. He never changes, but my life will change. My comfortable years may be over; maybe before I turn 24, I'll have such tragedy and pain that I will have experienced all the 'good' I'm to see on this earth.

But that's all right, because there comes a brighter day, a day when He will finish making all things new. A new earth, a new king, a new life for all of us who believe Him and are trying to see Him as He is.

The hardest thing that I foresee about the future is responsibility for others. Right now, if I don't have control, it's not that bad because it'd only be I that suffers. But the greatest fear of marriage, for me, is loss. I've already lost one that I loved and I could lose another. The risk of loss makes loving a dangerous choice. And then, my greatest fear of being a mother is losing my child. Every day is a day I could lose my child. I have no control on their survival in utero, or while at home, or at school, or when they are grown. I don't ever want to go through what the Rays experienced.

I thank God for Jesus Christ, whose life and death and resurrection promise to me that this life is passing away, and a new and brighter dawn is on the horizon. He is the bright and morning star, in whose light everything else fades away.

"turn your eyes upon Jesus/look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/in the light of his glory and grace"

Perhaps the first step in surrendering control is realizing who really is in control, and that all my feeble and pathetic efforts to direct my situation is simply "chasing after the wind."

But I still like lists.