Maybe eventually I'll get to the age when I don't have this constant, pulling urge to go Where I'm Not. Everywhere where I currently "am not" sounds amazing. Occasionally I'll have a day or night where I feel perfectly at ease, comfortable with who I'm becoming, happy with where I am, content with the thought of not knowing what's around the bend. But more often, I am wondering what it would be like to lead another life.
This perpetual grass-is-always-greener phenomenon gets old after a while, and presents to others a sort of problematic instability.
A homeowner today said if she were me, she'd "go [live in Europe] in a heartbeat." I would have said the same thing to anybody who was in my position, but I can't just go in a heartbeat. I have student loans; I owe my parents money; I need money to live. I would need a job before I moved to Europe.
I don't want to constantly be changing with the seasons, but I think I'm addicted to change. I haven't stayed in one place for a full year since 2000, and I've liked that. There's no real need to settle down now, and I want to take advantage of my youth and energy. I so enjoy being close to my best friends and my family... But will I look back in ten years and wish I had done something crazy and rash and just been an adventurous twentysomething?
Probably. After all, the grass is always greener. And if I throw caution to the wind and end up financially insecure, I'll probably regret the "stability" I could have reached.
Funny, that. The economy is so awful at the moment that even stability is only an illusion.
JD was talking about freedom on Sunday, and how serving Christ is freedom even though there are restrictions. Freedom is not lack of constraints; freedom is living as we were meant to, within our constraints, like a fish being "free" to live in the constraints of water. If the fish were to escape to freedom on land, it would die. We all serve something, whether it's the Lord or a fear. JD said to ask ourselves to think about the future and find out what would scare us the most if it were absent in our future. My DC friends that came to visit this weekend said the idea of a relationship came to mind; for me, it was financial stability. A telling answer, no?
I pretend that I trust God with my finances, but how much risk have I ever put myself under? None, to be honest. I am not supposed to be foolish, but I am supposed to be brave. Where is the Wizard of Oz when you need him anyway? I could go for some knowledge of my decisions, courage to make those decisions, heart to love blindly and blissfully each step of the way, and a home to bring with me, to make me feel comforted no matter where I go.
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I think it's part of human nature... I also think when it's time, you can decide that you're exactly where you need to be, no second-guessing needed. I floated around after college too, I was here there and everywhere. And I liked it. Now I've deliberately chosen a path that cannot be changed. There's no greener grass anymore. It's my job to make it as green as possible right here. You'll know when it's time to settle down :)
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