Jealousy

I hope that by naming these things to the world, they will have less power over me.

"Things of which I am jealous"
aka "If you have these things, I'm jealous of you"

steady jobs
comfy apartments
championship rings (especially Super Bowl)
designer perfumes
size 0
husbands
fiances
boyfriends
famous acquaintances/friends
pretty/fat babies
artistic talent
musical talent
dramatic talent
really impressive athletic talent
convertibles
hybrid luxury cars
spot on NASCAR circuit
patience
purpose
the ability to eat noodles, bread, bagels, cookies, brownies, cake, twizzlers, soy sauce, pizza, etc without repercussions
international savvy
multilinguality (I know that's not a word)
private jets
odd but super-cool fashion sense
the ability to buy cheap-and-comfy sexy shoes
law degree
doctoral degree
various other advanced degrees

Square One

You're in control/Is there anywhere you want to go?
The future's for discovering/The space in which we're travelling

Too bad it seems as if I am just discovering tread-upon ground. I'm retreading the "sphere in which [I've] been brought up." (Maybe if I'm wise, I won't quit it, eh, Lady Catherine?)

I spent all day, with the help of my good friend, Jeremy, packing up the remnants of my life on Medalist Drive and delivering it to my family's home in Chapel Hill. I have mixed feelings, not because I dread living here, or I think I will feel like I'm 18 again; rather, I always feel somewhat anxious when the future is unclear. I haven't had to deal with that feeling very often in my short life, despite all the moves. At least I have always had my family there, and that constant is not in the least unappreciated. But not only have I moved back in with my parents like myriad other recent college graduates, but I also have no idea how long I will be here or how long I will be unemployed. I want to hold out for something amazing, but I may have to settle for something to pay the bills. God knows what I need to do and how I need to spend my time, and what will prepare me for the calling he has on my life.

I'm ready for another adventure. Should I go off to Turkey with Mom's friends? Should I apply for jobs in another city? Which? I can pick any city... the hard part is actually getting hired.

As I wait to answer my questions, or better yet, to have my questions answered, I will take it a day at a time. I am closer to Tiffany&Joe, Becca, Kristine, and Katie, and now I'm within walking distance of Trader Joe's and Whole Foods! (Again.) My furniture is in the same exact layout as when I left at 18, but I believe I'm a little wiser and more appreciative and less self-centered. (Yes, it is possible that I was more self-centered than I am now! Shocker, I know.)

Who said you can't go home again?

I just did.

A Conversation, or 3+4=7 (DCB reference), or the Diary of Life

me: ok so you want to know what just happened

nick: i just clicked on your box to type you something...
and then you already said something else

me: ok you tell me first then

i'm sure you thought of it first, but i was too quick for you so i beat you to it
[redacted because it's not very nice]
nick: hold on, that does sound interesting

me: shut up

so i sold my couch today
nick: congratulations

[redacted because it's not interesting or funny]

me: yeah i suppose

ok so now it's my turn to tell you my story

nick: hit me.

me: so i had been a little jumpy when my phone went off in the past 5 minutes

but then my speaker started making noise like my phone was going to ring

and i noticed, and then my phone rang, and my heart skipped like 3 beats and i said out loud "freaking a"

and nobody's here

but I HAD NOTICED and i still jumped

nick: ...that was possibly the most confusing story.

me: really?

nick: so your phone didnt ring, but then it did? and then you jumped?

what
me: it did ring

no this is what happened

my mom texted me, and i jumped a lil

nick: why

is your phone scary?

me: b/c i'm jumpy! and then she texted me AGAIN, and before it came through and the sound was made and it vibrated, the speaker started being fuzzy

and i thought to myself "i bet my phone will ring"

and then it DID ring

and i jumped a LOT and shouted "Freaking AAAA!"

and no, my phone is not scary

nick: hahaha

you need to journal that story. if anything from your life is worth passing down through generations, its that story.

me: ok i'll put it in my blog

nick: hah good

me: actually i'll just put this whole conversation in

oh crap, i cant

the [redacted because it's not very nice] should not be preserved

dang it nick, you screwed everything up

nick: hahah well just edit that part out

me: it wont make sense then

bc the first thing you say is that you were going to say something, and then i will edit
out everything you said
[redacted because it's not interesting]

nick: i was actually be facetious

factitious?
me: no you were right

nick: i was being snide.

me: facetious

what?!? you?!?

nick: snarky is probably my favorite adjective

or snarkily as an adverb

if i was on a spelling bee team, we'd be called the snarks

me: yeah i could see that

haha

only a spelling team?

can i be on the snarks?

i'm a grade-A speller

one time my cousin and i were going to be in a talent show and she said "what can you do?" and the only thing i could think of was "i can spell!"

nick: well what other team would appreciate the snarks?

haha

me: it's true

nick: thats awesome

me: yeah, she didn't think so

nick: that is entry 2 to your diary of life

me: she was like cmon janel there must be something you can do... and i was like, nope.

nick: how old were you

me: um, 14

nick: this wasnt in college?

oh wow, i was thinking like 8

well you could have always fought in a battle of wits

thats talent show quality

put on a suit of armor and verbally berate some 14 year olds

me: that is brilliant. i would wax the floor with the spittle from their braces-filled mouths

nick: haha spittle


Nick, I can't thank you enough for the constant inspiration you are to me. For example, the above snippet of conversation.

To my faithful readers: If you were disappointed by the lack of substance to this post, please lodge your complaints with the administrator at administrator@gmail.com. If you thought this glimpse into the everyday occurances in the life of the author was worthwhile and insightful, please feel free to leave complimentary comments.

Myself When I Am Real

A brand new year that is full of... potential. What an ugly word.

I used to think "potential" was hopeful but now it's more scary than anything else. I find myself praying that I will be able to go a whole calendar year without a dear friend dying suddenly and tragically. (If I were feeling optimistic, I'd be thinking it's already been 10 months since the last death, so only two to go!)

I don't think I'm a negative person in general. I turn to pessimism as a defense mechanism when I care about something, like when I was in middle school and would insist we (Carolina) were going to lose a game so that if we lost, I could at least say, "I knew it." So silly. But I don't want to get my hopes up. As my ex so foolishly but unforgettably said, if you don't have any expectations, you can't be disappointed.

This is not a happy way to start off the year, but it's what I'm thinking. I'm afraid. I fear not finding a new job; I fear moving out of my apartment (logistically and regarding what it means for my comfort/selfish lifestyle); I fear being alone or having to move to a new place later in the year. This last fear surprises me, since generally I'm up for adventure and new scenery. I think I've adjusted enough to life-after-college that I have a good balance with my friends and I'm okay with being in North Carolina because it still offers new things and people and when I need to get out, I can.

I don't want to be afraid. I'm generally brave and strong. But I'm learning that I can't know what will happen, I can't control it, tragedies happen, and "life is full of such trials, as our sister Mary reminds us daily," as the incomparable Elizabeth Bennet says in P&P.

A (not) profound bumper sticker I saw today declared, "life is good." I was surprised that tacky Christian marketing companies haven't yet commandeered that logo and inserted "God" rather than "life" in the vein of "Got Jesus?"-type ad campaigns. After all, life is good only sometimes, and thankfully, God isn't just good once in a while. He's always, always good, even when it doesn't look like it. And the ability to trust that that's true is called faith.

I think I see myself and my life more clearly than I have in the past, and although that's small progress and, unfortunately, often results in disappointment in myself rather than increased faith in God, I can live more honestly and openly and can be vulnerable, waiting for the conquering strength of the Spirit to finish the work He's begun.



Bebo Norman, whose earlier cd title I stole for this post, has a new song that encapsulates my current soul location...


laying flat upon my back, all the world in motion
everything goes by so fast, i feel like i'm frozen
after all is said and done, did i fail to mention
everything i haven't done, all my good intentions?

have no fear of height or depth, have no fear of crashing
the single thing i fear the most, simply feeling nothing

this is my holy hour; this is my world on fire
this is my desperate play; this is where i am made
this is my kingdom come; this is my freedom song
this is my helpless state; this is where i am saved

let my ruins become the ground you build upon
let my ruins become the stars
let my ruins become the ground you build upon
from what's left of my broken heart...