Myself When I Am Real

A brand new year that is full of... potential. What an ugly word.

I used to think "potential" was hopeful but now it's more scary than anything else. I find myself praying that I will be able to go a whole calendar year without a dear friend dying suddenly and tragically. (If I were feeling optimistic, I'd be thinking it's already been 10 months since the last death, so only two to go!)

I don't think I'm a negative person in general. I turn to pessimism as a defense mechanism when I care about something, like when I was in middle school and would insist we (Carolina) were going to lose a game so that if we lost, I could at least say, "I knew it." So silly. But I don't want to get my hopes up. As my ex so foolishly but unforgettably said, if you don't have any expectations, you can't be disappointed.

This is not a happy way to start off the year, but it's what I'm thinking. I'm afraid. I fear not finding a new job; I fear moving out of my apartment (logistically and regarding what it means for my comfort/selfish lifestyle); I fear being alone or having to move to a new place later in the year. This last fear surprises me, since generally I'm up for adventure and new scenery. I think I've adjusted enough to life-after-college that I have a good balance with my friends and I'm okay with being in North Carolina because it still offers new things and people and when I need to get out, I can.

I don't want to be afraid. I'm generally brave and strong. But I'm learning that I can't know what will happen, I can't control it, tragedies happen, and "life is full of such trials, as our sister Mary reminds us daily," as the incomparable Elizabeth Bennet says in P&P.

A (not) profound bumper sticker I saw today declared, "life is good." I was surprised that tacky Christian marketing companies haven't yet commandeered that logo and inserted "God" rather than "life" in the vein of "Got Jesus?"-type ad campaigns. After all, life is good only sometimes, and thankfully, God isn't just good once in a while. He's always, always good, even when it doesn't look like it. And the ability to trust that that's true is called faith.

I think I see myself and my life more clearly than I have in the past, and although that's small progress and, unfortunately, often results in disappointment in myself rather than increased faith in God, I can live more honestly and openly and can be vulnerable, waiting for the conquering strength of the Spirit to finish the work He's begun.



Bebo Norman, whose earlier cd title I stole for this post, has a new song that encapsulates my current soul location...


laying flat upon my back, all the world in motion
everything goes by so fast, i feel like i'm frozen
after all is said and done, did i fail to mention
everything i haven't done, all my good intentions?

have no fear of height or depth, have no fear of crashing
the single thing i fear the most, simply feeling nothing

this is my holy hour; this is my world on fire
this is my desperate play; this is where i am made
this is my kingdom come; this is my freedom song
this is my helpless state; this is where i am saved

let my ruins become the ground you build upon
let my ruins become the stars
let my ruins become the ground you build upon
from what's left of my broken heart...